I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
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Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
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Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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