...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
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my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
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Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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