I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
