My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
