I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
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I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
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Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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