About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
