Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
