apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
