it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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