You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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