so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
