just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
