sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
