That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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