Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
