I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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