you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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