Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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