He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
