You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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