The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
