Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
