I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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