I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
