Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
