Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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