She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What a dumb baby whore.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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