I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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