I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
