Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
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When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.