I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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