I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
