You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
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I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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