guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
