Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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