There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
