I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
