not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
