If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
