apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
