Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
