I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
