Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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