yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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