chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
