i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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