I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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