I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
