yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
