I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
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Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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