Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
