my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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