Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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