I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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