Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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