I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
