Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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