if i can run in heels then i can drive
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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